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As I have spent my days alone these past few months, it has brought many thoughts, and questions to my mind. So many feelings have surfaced. So many ideas. Most of which are painful, or difficult to understand. But such is life. When has anything ever been handed to me. Thats just not the way things can happen. That wont make me stronger. But as of late, that seems to be the reasoning behind everything that comes my way.

As That wave of females washed over me, and I�began to question what I truly wanted, and what was truly right for me, I realized something about my fate in this world, and the place I hold. As I thin about what kind fo person I�keep stumbling upon the same thing.

She must be:

1. Sharp

2. Beautiful

3. Strong

4. Caring

5. Passionate

6. Flexible

7. Powerful

And what I�kept tripping over, is there is one person who fills that bill perfectly... My Lulu.

The thoughts that occur to me after this, are of why, why can you and I not be together, why is it that I am destined to not have that which I truly desire. Oh, what I would give to live my life, dedicated to my beautiful, wonderful family, working a normal 5-9 job. I could drop it all for that, and turn my back on the inevitable future, to have what I want.

But the future will not turn itapos;s back on me. And there is nothing I can do to ignore to slaps in the face that reality is giving me. The fact that if I�truly love you both, and the rest of the true humans in this world, I�must give it all for you. Including what I want most. How it hurt me. How it hurt me for soo many nights. The pain I felt was horrible, and wracking on my brain at all hours. Even in my sleep, which I�had very little of, was plagued by nightmares, and sad dreams of you. I�can recall many times, waking myself with a scream or with my face covered in tears. The memories of you and Izzy follow me everywhere. I cannot even look at a parent with their child without tearing up. It was a horrible rut I was in for a few weeks. I had tried to pull the knot that was tied in my brain out, and it only made it worse. It took me days of solid meditation and reflection to mellow myself out. I�had to be strong, and not dwell on my personal desires. Itapos;s not me to do that, and I cant ruin myself by doing it now.

AFK for a min. Lol

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Has it really come to this? It wasnapos;t long ago that beer companies had great, catchy slogans, words that were simple and to the point but still descriptive of the beverage. But not so much now.

Itapos;s Budweiser I blame. Their current slogan is "This is beer." You know, to set it apart from things that assuredly are not beer, like garden hose, crude oil, hula hoops, and dauschunds. This is beer. Indeed Now thatapos;s lazy. No more "the clean, crisp taste that says Budweiser." or "For all you do, this Budapos;s for you." No, now weapos;re reduced to "This is beer." (This is beer. You drink it. Driiiiiiiiiiiiiiink)

But thatapos;s not all Another one of their newer ad series boasts about Budapos;s "drinkability." The hidden message here, of course, is that all the other beer is slop thatapos;ll kill you. Swill even moonshiners turn down. You know, Bud, waterapos;s drinkable. Usually. I dunno, I just expect the beer to BE drinkable. Itapos;s like Duncan-Hines having an ad campaign for its cake mixes that calls them "edible." "Try our new Duncan-Hines devilapos;s food cakes. Youapos;ll love their edibility"

Oy

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Yeah� Iapos;m alive XD
Iapos;m just pretty busy, between university and my job (I leave home at 6.30am and go back at 9pm almost every day so...), and I donapos;t have time to sleep or think or do anything else than read (boring) books, do my homework and sell babyapos;s pyjamas.
But I like it. I mean, Iapos;m not in love with my job, but I like working with babies, and my co-workers are pretty cool So, even if Iapos;m tired as hell (sometimes I donapos;t even know my name XD), I like it^^
At university, itapos;s a bit different : itapos;s sooooo boring My God, the Middle Age is just boring, and I want to commit suicide when Iapos;m in my Middle Age lesson. Okay, my friends and I are now in pure love with Lansselos dou Lac (heapos;s our God XD), but, fuck, whatapos;s the aim to know all that shit?
Everything isnapos;t boring (thanks god), and Iapos;m love with my english free option : Creative Writing. Itapos;s interesting, and my teacher (a boy XD) is amazingly cool I wrote a poem, and I had the best mark (Iapos;m not the only one, of course, but still^^). I kinda like my poem actually, but I didnapos;t think my teacher gonna like it like that *iz proud* Last time we wrote a fairy tale (a rewriting thing) in class. I love this lesson

For the second semester, I succeeded the test to have intensive lessons for the Cambridge Certificate. So, in june, Iapos;m gonna take the FCE (First Certificate in English) of Cambridge *iz still proud and soooo happy*

Oh and I have a big crush on a girl in one of my options (called "Projet professionnel"). Sheapos;s cute, and hot, and she has the more beautiful smile Iapos;ve ever seen <3

Tv-shows rox : - Supernatural new season is amazing, Iapos;m in love with the episodes, and I canapos;t wait for each friday every time.
- The last House was TO�DIE�FOR I scream and laugh and giggle all along. So slash and so good and so PERFECT HOUSE+WILSON=OTP
- Secret Diary... rocks to. This new season is better than the first. And I want a Hannah/Ben please
- Iapos;m in love with the new season of Ugly Betty too. (And G. Is back)
- Fringe... Fringe, Fringe, Fringe.... I want more Fringe please (two episodes by week, is it possible please?)

MY�FRIENDS�ROCK The last week-end was the best friends night ever Everybody were there : N. And her boyfriend, my BFF, Chouxe, L�o, my sis and her BFF, and it was really AMAZING (canapos;t think about it without laughing XD). I�LUV�U�ALL�4EVER <3<3<3


So now Iapos;m gonna watch Merlin, cause everybody speak apos;bout it in my flist, so I have to see it^^

Hugs you all guys, and see you^^ <3



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Okay I've checked out the real thing; the pad in question looks great and seems solid enough, although I wouldn't know what happens if you drop this thing or it bumps into something hard...

The word is true and you can click on the entire pad. This may take a bit of getting used to, but once you get the hang of it this could feel quite natural. The display looks good as well.

All in all this may be great update- especially for Mac users who also plays World of Warcraft, as the old MacBook didn't have the independent video card and memory. I wouldn't consider buying one until a few months would pass so I can make sure no big glitch report comes up on the net, though.

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So I stupidly downloaded a patch for a game. Only it wasnapos;t a patch it was spyware/etc. And I didnapos;t figure this out until I installed it and suddenly Iapos;m getting popups that are telling me I have spyware. Except itapos;s quite obvious that it isnapos;t a normal windows reaction but rather the spyware trying to get me to download more spyware.

And after spending a day trying to get rid of it I gave up so now we have to take it in to be fixed. Iapos;m going to write expressly that they are not allowed to delete any word files without 1. Printing them out first 2. Contacting me. And if they do I will sue them.

And life... Continues to suck, really. I donapos;t ask God for strength very often but Iapos;ve been doing it now just to get by. I have to have faith things will get better.

In better news, itapos;s now been so long since Iapos;ve had a sinus infection that my smell is coming back. Itapos;s really weird. Itapos;s been gone for years now and now I can smell when the guinea pigs cages need cleaning instead of my mom telling me she can smell them.

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Because to alleviate my feelings of pointlessness regarding my work, I like to spend. And spend. And spend some more. So I got myself the complete series of Strangers with Candy.I realize that the bliss of spending is momentary, and that only a few hours later I will again feel the disappointment and self-pity that can only be mastered by someone who went to maid uniform school (letapos;s face it, nobody does wallowing quite like SSCapos;s alumni).

But, come on. Itapos;s Stephen Colbert.

This has to stop, I swear to god. I need to find other employment because this job will only lead to blood being shed. Preferably not mine.

Does your company have a mortality rate?

Discuss.

Oh, and Powerbooks is on sale. Oh, lordy.

"You need to be well fed, clothed and sheltered to have this much time for self-pity."
- Susanna Kaysen

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I only want you to see my favorite part of me, and not my ugly side.

Today there were more demons. In the grass as I stood outside smoking. Smoking usually calms me. It brings me focus. Grounds me. I use that term a lot. Grounding. Pain grounds me. Smoking grounds me. One special person grounds me. Keeps me rooted in reality. Avoids the distractions. Thatapos;s what it comes down to. Surviving in a world of distractions. One of my friends described my life as a mild acid trip and told me I should just enjoy it. Its a little more complex than that.

Or maybe its just that simple.

Iapos;m left home alone tonight. My brother and his wife have gone to grandmaapos;s house to pick up the kid, leaving me to decide how to feed myself and take care of me. I should feel glad that I get some time alone, but instead I have to wonder what I will do with myself. Iapos;ll probably go get some fast food for dinner. Something wholly not good for me. Our microwave is broken, so I canapos;t heat up any leftovers. I donapos;t think we have anything that I can throw in the oven either. So it looks like there is a journey in my future. Ah, the excitement. Iapos;m on the edge of my seat. What will I eat for dinner? Wow. Thrilling.

A brief bout with a razor blade cut me. I freaked out thinking people didnapos;t love me. I watched closely as the you I knew forgot me. In letting go I am so proud of what Iapos;ve done.

The desire to burn this thing out of my hand has returned. Iapos;m not sure what I should do about it. Or if I should do anything at all. Waiting it out seems to be working fine. Then nothing ever happens. I guess thatapos;s good enough. All I can ask for is apos;good enough.apos;
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bob caricature marley

He is screwing with my parenting time and I donapos;t appreciate it. I talked to him earlier today... Specifically said that I would be picking her up for Dance class and bring her home after 9 because they leave for Memphis tomorrow. He is not answering his phone. He is not at home. I left a message saying she better be at the dance class at 6:30. He is screwing me out of MY parenting time with her. MY night with her. He wasnt supposed to pick her up. He didnt even tell the daycare she wasnt going to need picked up for the next few days because she is going to Memphis with him. Which means I would have gotten angry calls from the center tomorrow when they went to pick her up.

I am soooo furious right now. SO livid. I dont appreciate being screwed over with my kid. She better sure as hell be there tonight.

*deep breaths*
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