As I have spent my days alone these past few months, it has brought many thoughts, and questions to my mind. So many feelings have surfaced. So many ideas. Most of which are painful, or difficult to understand. But such is life. When has anything ever been handed to me. Thats just not the way things can happen. That wont make me stronger. But as of late, that seems to be the reasoning behind everything that comes my way.
As That wave of females washed over me, and I�began to question what I truly wanted, and what was truly right for me, I realized something about my fate in this world, and the place I hold. As I thin about what kind fo person I�keep stumbling upon the same thing.
She must be:
1. Sharp
2. Beautiful
3. Strong
4. Caring
5. Passionate
6. Flexible
7. Powerful
And what I�kept tripping over, is there is one person who fills that bill perfectly... My Lulu.
The thoughts that occur to me after this, are of why, why can you and I not be together, why is it that I am destined to not have that which I truly desire. Oh, what I would give to live my life, dedicated to my beautiful, wonderful family, working a normal 5-9 job. I could drop it all for that, and turn my back on the inevitable future, to have what I want.
But the future will not turn itapos;s back on me. And there is nothing I can do to ignore to slaps in the face that reality is giving me. The fact that if I�truly love you both, and the rest of the true humans in this world, I�must give it all for you. Including what I want most. How it hurt me. How it hurt me for soo many nights. The pain I felt was horrible, and wracking on my brain at all hours. Even in my sleep, which I�had very little of, was plagued by nightmares, and sad dreams of you. I�can recall many times, waking myself with a scream or with my face covered in tears. The memories of you and Izzy follow me everywhere. I cannot even look at a parent with their child without tearing up. It was a horrible rut I was in for a few weeks. I had tried to pull the knot that was tied in my brain out, and it only made it worse. It took me days of solid meditation and reflection to mellow myself out. I�had to be strong, and not dwell on my personal desires. Itapos;s not me to do that, and I cant ruin myself by doing it now.
AFK for a min. Lol
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